Not two weeks into NaBloPoMo, my drive to write is waning. Last night, exhausted after a long weekend of catch-up after a week of travel out of the country, I decided sleep was more important than posting. I had actually started a post, and neglected finishing my thoughts.
... and I've been thinking about this with a little regret all day long.
I chose to join NaBloPoMo, and commit to writing everyday on my blog for a simple 30 days, and I didn't take the time to sit for ten minutes and get some words on 'paper'? I admit, I was disappointed in myself for not keeping the schedule.
Throughout my life, I have eagerly committed to projects, groups, activities, and often found myself ... slacking, letting go, giving up half-way through these projects due to lack of interest, frustration, or... fear. Fear of doing something wrong, making something look bad, or worse, becoming visible to the rest of the world and possibly being rejected.
I admit, this is going a little deeper than a miss on a blog post, but hear me out. I am literally dying inside to paint. The urge and need and desire to use water and a brush to make something beautiful on paper is slowly tightening its choke hold around my neck, and I fear if I do not soon grab a brush and just go for it my larynx will be crushed and I will suffocate. But the cold, heart-stopping, hand-stilling fear keeps me from even trying to paint.
It is an irrational fear. Excepting me, no one will see these paintings, at least for now. There is absolutely noting to be afraid of but fear itself. The feeling is difficult to work through, and understandably keeps many of us from really trying to dance, sing, go for that dream job, or simply paint.
The thing we must learn is that by waiting, postponing, not doing these activities that we desire (that very likely will bring us great joy - or a great lesson), we put off learning more about our own nature, and allowing ourselves to fully embrace who we are in this moment, denying ourselves happiness.
To be perfectly honest, I have no fear about sharing my thoughts with you, the reader of alwayslovinglife.com, and I am happy to be able to say what I need to, for my own growth as an individual and a writer. Blogging is not scary for me. Here I am, putting myself out for the world to read and judge (if they can find me), and this does not give me cause for pause at all. But sitting down with a brush and a pad of paper alone can almost cause my teeth to chatter in cold, hard fear.
I think that these feelings can be a good compass. When we feel irrationally fearful of something that we desire, it shows us the degree to which it matters to our heart, the level to which we will feel rejected if our art/song/words/thoughts/choreographed dance are not accepted by others.
So, on this day, Monday the eleventh of November, 2013, I vow to paint before the end of the month. I also vow to complete a blog post each day this month because these things matter to me, can cause a little fearfulness, and in their doing, hopefully, will always bring great joy.
What has your fear kept you from accomplishing?
with joy, ~Alaina